“Accept Yourself, and Expect More From Yourself”: A Q &A with Gretchen Rubin

I bought Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project in early 2010 after reading about it in a magazine, and within hours had covered it in my personal hieroglyphics of passionate response. Hearts, stars, underlinings, circlings, exclamation points, “I agree”s, “yes!”es, and smiley faces from my pen covered, decorated, and bedecked its pages, making it almost unreadable by anyone other than myself (these scribblings, however, just ensured that I’d buy more copies and give them as gifts to friends and family members rather than loan out my precious copy!). What a kindred spirit, I thought! And how is it possible that although we both did our undergraduate and graduate degrees at Yale, we both had family members in the legal world, and we were both devoted aficionados of children’s literature, we’d never met or crossed paths in any way? When, almost a year later, my publisher told me that Gretchen had sent in a wonderful blurb for my first book, THE ANTI-ROMANTIC CHILD, it was one of those moments you’ll never forget as a publishing newbie. We’d received no blurbs yet, and the first one we got was from Gretchen Rubin?! I hadn’t even known we’d sent her a galley. I was a huge fan of this author, and she loved my book!

Gretchen and I have since become online friends, and she recently sent me a copy of her just-published book Happier at Home: Kiss More, Jump More, Abandon a Project, Read Samuel Johnson, and My Other Experiments in the Practice of Everyday Life. I am delighted to report that I loved it even more than I loved The Happiness Project. I found it wiser, deeper, purer, more beautiful and true. I could not stop reading aloud from it to my husband and laughing hard, nodding vigorously, or putting my hand over my heart while I did so. It is so smart in the least pretentious and most accessible way and so endearing in its honesty and vulnerability and sweet Gretchen-ness. I felt an even more powerful sense of kinship with Gretchen- I too hate driving, need to “give myself limits to give myself freedom,” and love Little House in the Big Woods and the cozy, snug, sacred sense of home it embodies- and I also felt such gratitude to Gretchen for her reminders that we are all different and her refusal to give easy answers or one-size-fits-all solutions. Happier at Home is a true pleasure to read- reading it made me very happy indeed!- and a veritable storehouse of helpful tips, profound insights, adorable, charming, illustrative anecdotes, and compassionate solidarity with all of us who struggle to make ourselves happier- and that means all of us!

Gretchen generously agreed to answer an eclectic bunch of questions that I posed to her. Here’s our dialogue!

1) I absolutely love your formulation: “every day, I remind myself to accept myself, and expect more from myself.” This is a very difficult balance to strike, and one I think many people puzzle over how to achieve. How do you, Gretchen, simultaneously demonstrate self-compassion and encourage yourself to do better? What helps you to both know and accept yourself as you are (Be Gretchen!) and motivate you to do and be more (“Choose the Bigger Life”)?

As you say, this is a difficult balance. W. H. Auden articulates this tension beautifully: “Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity.” It is really a matter of constant self-reflection and acknowledgment.

2) Your point that giving gifts to others is a great way to foster happiness in oneself really resonated with me. I’m a passionate gift-giver and buy gifts for my loved ones all year long, then store them in my filing cabinets until the occasion arises to give them! I’m always looking for new shopping venues to find unique, nourishing, and charming things. What are your favorite stores or websites to buy gifts?

Bookstores! Hardware stores and office supply stores. My favorite perfume stores (Frederic Malle, CB I Hate Perfume, Jo Malone.) In my family, we are often very specific about what we want as a gift, so it’s very satisfying to know that you’re giving something that someone REALLY does want.

3) Inspired by The Happiness Project and your work, I bought Bluebirds of Happiness from the wonderful Chinaberry catalogue for myself and my fiance for Christmas in 2011- they made exquisite, albeit fragile, stocking stuffers!- and then we gave our 3 children each a bluebird after our wedding in February 2012. These beautiful glass birds are such an easy and inexpensive way to bring joy to everyday life. What are some other objects or small items that you would recommend to parents or spouses looking for an inexpensive gift with maximum happiness boosting potential?

This is so specific to a person…I’m not sure there’s one suggestion that would be widely applicable.

4) Describe one possession of yours that gives you immense happiness every time you look at it.

My laptop. I take it with me everywhere I go, and everything that’s important to me is in there somehow.

5) If you could take only 5 books to a desert island, what would they be and why? Tough question, I know!

I simply can’t answer a question like this. I can’t choose! It makes my head explode. I have far too many favorites.

6) I wholeheartedly share your passion for children’s literature and your belief that reading it is one of the best spurs to happiness and one of the most effective antidotes to melancholy. What are your daughters’ favorite books? Are there any books that you loved as a child that they didn’t much care for? Any newer books they introduced you to?

Hmmmm….I guess I just don’t think in terms of “favorites.” Too hard! We have books that we love. My older daughter doesn’t love high fantasy, so
while I love something like the Narnia books, she doesn’t.

7) As the former associate editor of the Johnsonian Newsletter, I was thrilled to see that Samuel Johnson both gave you the title of your book and informed its pages in all sorts of profound and surprising ways. When and how did you discover Johnson and why is his writing so appealing, thought-provoking, and inspiring to you?

When I read Samuel Johnson, I feel as if I understand myself better. In a few sentences, he can illuminate very complex aspects of human nature. He’s like Orwell, in that you can’t predict what his arguments will be or how they will unfold. And, of course, he’s funny. He’s a great patron saint for people doing happiness projects, because he made and broke so many resolutions throughout his life. For instance, when he was 55 years old, he wrote:

“I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest
time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I
have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time
of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my
resolutions, for JESUS CHRIST’S sake.”

From Boswell’s Life of Samuel Johnson

8) What piece of music or song invariably makes you feel happier?

I don’t have much of an ear for music, I have to confess, and when I do love a song, I have a bad habit of wearing it out–I listen to it too many times, and then don’t love it as much. But for a long time I’ve especially loved Fat Boy Slim’s “Praise You.” I love it (and it always reminds me to appreciate my husband). When I was writing Happier at Home, I was obsessed with the song “Raggle Taggle Gypsy,” though it doesn’t make me feel quite “happy.” In my mind, I have a category of things that I love that contain what I call “symbols beyond words,” and this song is in that category.

9) What are 3 quick happiness boosts that you’d recommend to:

new parents?

Get enough sleep. Under-react to a problem. Remember these Secrets of Adulthood: You know as much as most people; most decisions don’t require extensive research.

someone going through a difficult time professionally?

Get enough sleep. Stay connected to friends. Try to keep a sense of humor.

a new college student?

Get enough sleep. Accept yourself, and expect more from yourself. Be [insert your name here]

someone with a cold or other mild illness?

Get enough sleep. Manage pain and discomfort. First things first.

10) I moved recently (combining two apartments and two households), and wow has it been tough! Knowing that moving is typically associated with great unhappiness both reduced my anxiety and made me itchy for concrete strategies to ease the seemingly inevitable stress. Six months after moving, we are still in the process of making our new apartment homey, and after reading Happiness at Home, I realized that my husband has unwittingly been creating what you call “shrines” (so far, we have Music, Fun and Games,Children’s Literature, and Family)! What advice do you have for people who are in the process of transitioning from one home to another? What are some quick and easy ways to make a new space feel homey, and happy? What are some long-range strategies or approaches for designing a happy home?

Go through your stuff as you pack and get rid of everything you don’t use, don’t need, or don’t love. Don’t move it to the new place! Don’t keep things that are part of a fantasy of who you are (e.g., a bread-maker) but aren’t actually used, needed, or loved. Find ways to spotlight possessions that make you happy. Be very wary of letting things into your home–once there, they’re very hard to remove. Don’t “store” much–things that are “stored” are generally never used (except for seasonal items), so why are you keeping them? I highly recommend Christopher Alexander’s book A PATTERN LANGUAGE for a new way to think about designing spaces. It blew my mind.

Gretchen Rubin is the author of several books, including the #1 New York Times and international bestseller, The Happiness Project—an account of the year she spent test-driving the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. On her popular blog, The Happiness Project, she reports on her daily adventures in the pursuit of happiness. In her new book, Happier at Home, Rubin embarks on a new project to explore how to make home a happier place. Starting in September (the new January), Gretchen dedicates a school year—from September through May—to concentrating on the factors that matter most for home, such as possessions, marriage, time, parenthood, body, neighborhood. The book’s title was inspired by a line from Samuel Johnson: “To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition.”

Gretchen Rubin’s newest book, Happier at Home, is now in stores! You can follow Gretchen at http://happiness-project.com


“Signs to Decorate Your Life”: A Q &A with Barn Owl Primitives’ Kristi Quill



I came to Kristi Quill and her company Barn Owl Primitives via one of my heroines, Brene Brown.  Brene wrote a blog post about Kristi and her endearing, uplifting, charming, and wise “signs to decorate your life,” and I was enchanted by Kristi’s unpretentious and straightforward aesthetic, her bright sunniness of palette and temperament, and her untreacly, realistic optimism.  Kristi and I have had so much fun getting to know each other via email, and I can say that in addition to being a wonderful artist, she is also an absolutely lovely, down-to-earth, humble, sweet, funny, and altogether wonderful human being!   Here is a woman whose runaway success is truly well-deserved and whose modesty, commitment to good things and good work, gratitude, and golden heart can be examples for us all.  Here is a Q &A that will inspire you, embolden you, and delight you!

1) Tell us how you came up with the idea to make “signs to decorate your life.” 

A few years ago, when money was tight and making handcrafted Christmas gifts seemed like the way to go, I started making hand-painted, door-hanging snowmen for my family and friends. They were well-received and friends of friends started placing orders. That snowballed into Barn Owl Primitives {BOP}, and a little shop on Etsy was born.
Since snowmen eventually melt, I needed to add some things to my shop that would last all year. I started with You are My Sunshine and Family Rules typography word art signs. Fast forward almost three years, and the writing is all over the wall.

2) What is your background in the visual arts and what visual artists and architects inspire you?

Ironically, I don’t have a background in art.  My degrees are in Family and Child Development and Early Childhood Education.  I guess you could say I’m a self taught artist.  But I believe it’s my love for math and problem solving that actually enables me to use both the positive and negative space with words on a board to create art.  My 11th grade math teacher, Mr. Misner, taught us that “Math is not emotional.  Math is true.”  I always challenged him because I loved solving problems in our functions / analytics class from the outside in and using no traditional formulas and functions to achieve the answers.  I told him it was my passion for math that made it emotional.   I’ve finally figured out a way to truly make my “math” emotional.  Wonder what Mr. Misner would say if he could see me now.

3) What was the first sign you made?  What’s your favorite sign you’ve made?

The first sign I made was our family rules sign.  It hangs in our kitchen and reminds us daily about what’s important and inspires us to be the very best big and little people that we can be.  Choosing a favorite sign is impossible.  Really.

4) Which signs do you have in your own home, and in which rooms?

Our family rules sign hangs in our kitchen, along with a Grocery sign above our pantry and a Mom’s Diner Hot Food • Good Company sign above our kitchen table.  A we can do hard things hangs above our front door to encourage us as we brave each new day.  A typewriter alphabet sign hangs in our family room because, as I’m sure you’ve noticed,  I’m obsessed with letters.  I rotate motivational signs through my studio.  Currently I have three decorating my life.  Two are my favorite quotes by Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Edison and the third is my creators rules sign.

5) As someone who’s kept a quote book since 7th grade and shares inspiring and motivating quotations daily on Facebook and Twitter, I am an ardent believer in the power of pithy phrases and resonant sentences to offer jolts of inspiration and comfort during times of stress.  How do you think affirmations and reminders like the ones on your signs can help us cultivate resilience, achieve success at work and in our relationships, and attain a greater degree of serenity and joy?

As an educator, I learned the power of positive reinforcement.  As a mother, I’m living the power of positive reinforcement.  I truly believe that we can create  our own forms of positive reinforcement in our lives simply by the choices that we make.    We are responsible for our own energy.  And we draw on the energy of those around us.  
Surrounding ones self with wit, inspiration and motivation sends a positive message not only to yourself but to all who enter your space.

6) What music inspires you?  Do you listen to music while you work?  

I LOVE Pandora and always listen to music when I work.    My current favorite station is Zac Brown Band with Dispatch, Cold Play and America (thrown in for some throwback memories of my childhood.)    I guess I’m a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll.

7) Where do you get ideas for your work and in what conditions do you work best?  

I get most of my ideas for my work through every day life.  I analyze everything and often look for things that I can spin into signs.  I’m always looking at motivational quotes and love weaving ideas together to create unique pieces of art.  I do my best work at night after my house has gone to sleep.  My mind is free to create and wonder and dream.  In those quiet moments, I can escape reality and get lost in the paint and the letters and the designs.  When I started, I used to fire up the power tools at night too.  I’m fairly certain my neighbors all rejoiced when I made the adjustment and now only turn them on while the sun is smiling down on my driveway!

8) What are some of your favorite quotations?

“I am a great believer in LUCK, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
“Opportunity is missed by post people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”  ~ Thomas Edison
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” 
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ~ Harriet Tubman
“Anything is possible. Anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein
“All art requires courage.”  ~ Anne Tucker

9) I’m a huge admirer of Brene Brown.  Can you tell me how you know Brene and about the work you’ve done for and with her?

Last summer a dear friend sent me a link to Brené’s first TED talk.  I watched it 10 times (in one night) and then immediately bought two of her books on Amazon.  A few days later, I was inspired to create my Be Real sign.  (https://www.etsy.com/listing/79064674/be-real-be-wholehearted-with-bunting)  My shop was closed at the time, so the sign just sat in my studio waiting for the shop to reopen.   I opened my shop and was getting ready to list my new designs when I received an order for a playroom rules sign.  When I saw the customer name I screamed out loud and nearly fell off the couch.  Someone pinch me, Brené Brown ordered my playroom rules sign.    So I did what any level headed person would do.  I immediately emailed her, gushing all over her about how much I loved her and her books and her work.  I also shared a photo of the Be Real sign.  She emailed back a few minutes later, ordered 3 and asked me if I’d be interested in doing a giveaway.  A few months ago I created a custom We Can Do Hard Things sign for her as well.  It hangs in her kitchen and inspires her and her family to never give up.  I’ve already pre-ordered her new book, Daring Greatly, and cannot wait to read it in September.

10) Who inspires you?  These can be public figures, authors, historical figures, people from your personal life?

For me, it’s more about what inspires me.  I’d say life inspires me.  I find inspiration in everything around me.  Simple trips to the park, library, farmers market and antique stores have lead to some of my favorite signs.  My family is also a great source of inspiration.

11) What’s the best advice you could give other parents about how to juggle creative aspirations, the exigencies of professional life, and the demands of parenting?

Know your limits.  Ask for help when you need it and more importantly, accept help when it is offered.  Set a schedule.  Be flexible.  Determine what you can let go of and outsource when you can.  For me, hiring a cleaning service and a landscaper has made a big difference and freed up several hours each week.  Plus my lawn and house have never looked so good!

12) If you could make a sign for anyone, who would you choose and why?

I have sold signs to some pretty amazing people. My We Can Do Hard Things sign is hanging in the Etsy Corporate Office in New York City and in the MTV Office in London.

But by far the orders that I am most proud of are from people you’ve never heard of. The daughter who purchased a sign for her parents 50th wedding anniversary with a quote that her dad has been using to describe their marriage over the last 50 years.  The girl who purchased a sign for her neighbor who lost her husband after a brave battle with cancer.  The sister who purchased a sign for her brother that was putting himself through college and raising a family as a single dad.  These are just a few of the accomplishments that I am the most proud of and the ones that make what I do so rewarding and worthwhile.


Kristi Quill Bio:

A day dreamer with a LONG list of projects yet to be completed. A lover of coffee, breakfast for dinner, flip flops and all things vintage. And the artist behind Barn Owl Primitives.

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